Unlock Your Resilience: Aligning Personality, Faults, and Values for Personal Growth
How It All Comes Together: Integrating Personality, Faults, and Values
Every one of us operates on a personal "operating system" that drives our beliefs, decisions, and actions. I call it your Resilience OS. This system is built on three foundational components:
Personality: Shapes your natural tendencies and strengths, influencing how you engage with the world.
Faults: Highlight areas for growth, often revealing patterns that limit your potential.
Values: Provide direction and purpose, guiding your decisions and priorities.
When these elements align, they create clarity, authenticity, and momentum toward meaningful goals. However, when misaligned, they can reinforce limiting beliefs that hold you back.
For example, consider my introverted friend who’s invited to a party he really wants to attend. Before he even accepts, both internal and external reinforcements are already at play. Externally, I might expect him to say, “I’m not going to have a good time and I’ll be exhausted all weekend.” Internally, he’s thinking, “I never enjoy parties, so why should I go?” These expectations reinforce each other. If we both go, I might unintentionally check in on him too much, increasing his anxiety, while he might focus on what could go wrong—all before the party even starts.
This example highlights the subtle yet powerful interaction between our internal beliefs and external expectations. By addressing these two areas, we can aim higher and align our character with our values and goals. This alignment strengthens our Resilience OS, laying the foundation for authentic growth.
Scientific Note: This concept reflects foundational principles in psychology, such as Bandura’s Social Learning Theory, which emphasizes how self-efficacy and external reinforcements shape behavior (Bandura, 1977).
Internal: The Power of Beliefs
Our beliefs act as the lens through which we interpret the world and our place within it. These beliefs are shaped by repeated patterns of thought and become an expression of our character. They influence how we view ourselves and what we believe is possible.
Limiting Beliefs
Limiting beliefs often stem from past experiences and emotional conditioning. Statements like, “I’m not creative” or “I’ll never succeed” aren’t objective truths but self-imposed narratives that restrict growth. Research by Carol Dweck in her book Mindset illustrates how adopting a growth mindset—the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed—can transform these self-limiting patterns (Dweck, 2006).
Take the example of swimming for the first time. A child who equates water with drowning might avoid swimming altogether. Unless a parent or friend encourages them to safely explore the water, they’ll never realize that water can also equal fun. Their belief of “water = drowning” limits them from the joy they could experience.
Overcoming Limiting Beliefs
To overcome limiting beliefs, we must challenge our thoughts. As Craig Groeschel explains in Winning the War in Your Mind: “Our lives are always moving in the direction of our strongest thoughts” (Groeschel, 2021). One powerful tool for breaking free from limiting beliefs is identity-based statements. Here’s how to apply this method:
Awareness: Identify five recurring thoughts you want to upgrade. For example, “I can’t swim” or “I don’t like exercising.”
Challenge: Question the thought. Why can’t you swim? Why don’t you enjoy exercising? Are these beliefs grounded in fact or fear?
Replacement: Create empowering “I am” statements to replace the limiting beliefs. For example, “I am a swimmer” or “I am an athlete.”
Practice: Read these statements daily. When faced with limiting beliefs, actively replace them with your “I am” statements.
Practical Outcomes: Why This Works
Imagine someone who believes, “I’m not creative.” This belief could hold them back from contributing ideas in meetings or pursuing hobbies like painting or writing. By replacing this with, “I am creative,” they might start small—sketching for fun or sharing one idea during a brainstorming session. Over time, these small actions compound, leading to greater confidence and opportunities for growth in both personal and professional settings.
External: Expectations
External expectations often create barriers to change because they’re tied to how others perceive us based on past patterns. Here’s a relatable example:
Let’s say your colleague comes into work fully dressed up in a suit every day—a tie, polished shoes, the whole nine yards. Then, one day, he shows up in shorts and a t-shirt. You can bet everyone in the office will ask him: “Hey, are you going to the gym today?” or “Something happen to your jacket? You’re always the sharpest dressed here—what’s going on?”
Now, take the same person, but imagine they’re someone who typically shows up in jeans and a t-shirt. Then one day, they arrive in a full suit. Everyone will say, “Is the boss in town?” or “Are you interviewing?”
Notice that nothing fundamental about the person has changed—it’s the same individual. The difference lies in how others interpret their behavior through the lens of past patterns. These patterns become expectations, and when someone deviates from them, it often prompts external feedback that can feel jarring.
This is true for more than just clothing choices. People apply this same framework to all aspects of our behavior, from work habits to how we communicate. If we want to challenge and change our limiting beliefs, we must overcome two significant obstacles:
Externally exhibiting the change we want to live.
Handling the initial shock from others while staying grounded in our internal goals.
External Exhibition: Courage
Let’s say you’re trying to stop working through dinner so you can have meals with your family. Embedded in this goal are several assumptions: first, that you haven’t been having meals with your family in the past; second, that these meals will be meaningful and worthwhile; and third, that your family actually wants to spend this time with you. Recognizing these assumptions internally is one thing, but speaking them out loud and changing your behavior can feel challenging, even embarrassing.
This is where courage comes in. Taking action despite fear is what propels us forward. Courage isn’t the absence of fear—it’s moving forward despite it. When you make these changes, you are signaling to others how serious you are about your values. For example, committing to family dinners might initially disrupt your workplace habits, but over time, it could lead to a stronger work-life balance and a deeper connection with loved ones.
Initial Shock: Vulnerability
Change doesn’t happen in isolation. It requires communicating our intentions to others, which often leads to moments of discomfort or pushback. Let’s revisit the example of prioritizing family dinners. The first time you leave work “early” (really, at a reasonable time), your boss calls and asks you to handle a last-minute task. You respond, “Sorry, I’ve committed to having dinner with my family.” Your boss might reply, “Can’t it wait? You always work late—this is when we usually touch base.”
This is where courage and vulnerability intersect. You can acknowledge that the change feels uncomfortable, but stand firm: “I understand, but I’m working to prioritize one meal a day with my family. These late calls make that difficult. Can we find a way to adjust?”
Vulnerability requires admitting that we haven’t always lived in alignment with our values. It allows others to see our intent, not perfection, and invites them to support us as we grow. Over time, this vulnerability helps deepen relationships by building trust and fostering mutual understanding.
Why Courage and Vulnerability Matter
Living out internal changes externally requires both courage and vulnerability. Courage allows us to express what we want, even when it’s difficult. Vulnerability requires admitting that we weren’t living in alignment with our values before and asking others to support us as we work toward change.
Research supports the importance of these traits. According to Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly, vulnerability is not a weakness but a strength—a way to build deeper connections and foster trust. Courage, as discussed in The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, is essential for breaking free from societal expectations and living authentically.
When we align our internal beliefs with our external actions, we not only overcome limiting beliefs but also inspire others to see us in a new light. This process creates a ripple effect: not only do we strengthen our relationships, but we also serve as role models for others seeking to align their lives with their values.
Why Character Matters
Beliefs about our character shape how we see ourselves and the world. They influence our ability to overcome challenges, seize opportunities, and live authentically. For example, a limiting belief like “I’m not creative” could prevent someone from pursuing a new hobby, sharing an idea at work, or taking risks in their career. However, by identifying and challenging that belief, they could unlock opportunities for personal growth and professional success.
This principle is supported by Martin Seligman’s Positive Psychology framework, which highlights the role of optimism and learned behaviors in achieving greater well-being (Seligman, 1991). When personality, faults, and values come together in alignment, they form a unified character that drives resilience, authenticity, and momentum toward meaningful goals.
Reflection Prompts: Connecting the Elements
Values: What are your top three values, and how well do your daily actions reflect them?
Personality Traits: Which of your traits amplify your strengths or exacerbate your faults?
Limiting Beliefs: What is one limiting belief holding you back, and how can you challenge it today?
